Heinrich Graf

Heinrich Hans Gebirgssäufer, Waldgraf Von und Zu Blutiger Magenwundwald, (a.k.a Heinrich Graf, "The Count", "Schmutzli", "Killer of Small Things", "That Fucking Squid-German". Born ?- died 1928)

Overview

Last reigning count of the densely forested county of Blutiger Magenwundwald ("Bloody Stomach Wound Forest") in eastern Bavaria.

Graf is considered an irretrievable drunk, abject coward, and an absolute rake by most historians, who are in agreement that he fled his responsibilities as lord and master of the castle of Erstochen im Darmschloß (a.k.a. "Stabbed in the Gut Castle"). These responsibilities involved hunting and killing the various large and deadly (or at least maimly) beasts that roamed his family forests surrounding the castle.

Graf spent much of his family fortune traveling the world, claiming to be a zoologist, looking for small, relatively harmless creatures to kill while under the influence of whatever the strongest local intoxicant (legal or otherwise) was. This was in order to satisfy both his aristocratic imperative to hunt and kill things, his voracious appetite for chemical adulterants, as well as his extreme cowardice.

The Oakland, CA Years

In 1895, Graf surfaced in Oakland, CA and quickly became involved with The Elevated Knights of the Order of St. Orlas. He was known to be an avid member of Henrietta Sherman's intimate poker circle within the order, and is suspected of being one of her many lovers and co-organizer of the animal fights that went on in the basement beneath St. Orlas Hall.

In 1901 Graf began in in depth study of the graftopus, the animal which came to bear his name. It is believed he began this study in order to introduce graftopi to the St. Orlas Beast Pits, but the combination of habitual intoxication and extreme cowardice meant that Graf never got all that close to the graftopi to actually study anything about them at all, much less capture one.

It is his incessant hashish- and absinthe-fueled rants about his intentions to write the definitive study on the "Oakland land squids" that caused his name to be associated with them.

Death

Heinrich Graf died in the hills above Oakland, CA under a tree in 1928. Rumors abounded that he was scared to death by an angry ghost over his associations with Henrietta Sherman. But people who knew Graf in life are on record saying that it could have been a deer or a couple of raccoons that scared Graf because he was a complete fucking hothouse flower who would lose his fudge at the tiniest squeak of a floorboard on a dark night.

Category: Mystical Oakland

Published under the terms of the CC BY 3.0 license.