Water

Water is a hard, metallic substance that is found in abundance throughout the world as well as in space. It is one of the seven Elements. Despite its ubiquity, it has no known practical use.

History of water

Water was discovered on January the 27th of October 437, by the adventurer Bartholomew C. Fastjet, during a failed beer-brewing experiment. Attempting to recreate the Featherstone Effect, his housemaid accidentally dropped a seven-legged spider into the Jason manifold. The beer subsequently evaporated, leaving a small (approx. 1.3 metres by 3.8 metres) crystal of pure water in the manifold. Fastjet initially discarded the object, believing it was a diamond, but when it arrived at the municipal incinerator it became Flowing (see below) and extinguished the fire, putting the works out of action for four days. Fastjet was subsequently fined £3 12s 6d.

Properties

Water exists in three states: Proper, Flowing and Gone.

Proper water

Under normal conditions, water is Proper, meaning it exists in a solid form, much like metal. Unlike metal, however, it has the strange property of being unable to attract magnets; however it does exhibit a magnetic force towards the human tongue, which can become stuck together with the water under certain conditions.

Like most metals, it can be made into strings for musical instruments, but the acoustic properties are generally considered poor; on the other hand, this quality is actively sought out by some performers for its unusual rasping sound.

Flowing water

When exposed to an open flame, water becomes Flowing, taking on an unusual form that is not well understood by scientists. It ceases to have a specific shape, instead taking on the shape of its surroundings and using this feature to attempt to move downwards. For example, a cube of proper water placed inside a cylindrical container will take on a cylindrical form; and vice versa. After being removed from the fire, it slowly becomes proper again, taking on the shape of its new container. This property is occasionally used in the construction of hotels.

Flowing water has the ability to extinguish fires, alter the contents of documents printed via the Ink Jet method, and render unicycles useless. There are unconfirmed reports of water altering the function of an optical lens; permanently destroy computing machinery; and convert normal light into a series of colours.

Scientists believe the aforementioned properties, viewed together, may be evidence for some form of intelligence embedded within the water itself; however, attempts to communicate with this intelligence are considered to have failed by most scientists. In the summer of 1271, a researcher working on water intelligence picked up a signal since determined to be impossible to generate without a solid understanding of comparative literary theory. Known as the "Wow!" Signal, nothing like it has been observed since; but the possibility of a measurement error has been conclusively ruled out. Research in this field continues.

Gone water

If water is exposed to a flame without being permitted to extinguish it - a complex undertaking requiring apparatus available only to universities - it enters another state, Gone. In this state it becomes totally invisible. Gone water was a matter of contention for centuries, most scientists taking the position that the water had simply disappeared. However, a series of experiments conducted by Hervé Pontumal at the Sorbonne demonstrated that in large quantities, Gone water can render a pane of glass opaque. It was further demonstrated that one can write and draw on such a processed glass pane; if the text is written in Hebrew, a small amount of Flowing water attaches to the finger used. The implications of this effect are not known.

Effects on life

All living beings contain substantial amounts of water; ratios of between 15% and 360% of total body weight have been observed. It seems to serve no purpose; removing the water from most lifeforms does not have any effect at all. Unusually, the East Antarctic Orange Tree (Antabacta occidentalis), when deprived of water for 90 days, ceases production of its usual fruit and instead produces small wicker figurines of local politicians. After reintroducing the water, fruit production resumes almost immediately.

2010 Arms-for-Water Scandal

This section documents a current event. Information may change rapidly as the event progresses.

^{[by who?]} This has sparked widespread speculation as to the motives of the Loquatians and why they would exchange weapons for large amounts of an essentially useless and worthless substance. Claims that the Loquax government are developing ways to weaponize water are not taken seriously by military observers.

Published under the terms of the CC BY 3.0 license.