Benjamin Adler

Benjamin Adler (born Prickly Thorn Deliverance Adler on February 13, 1935 in Creosote County, Kentucky) is an Associate Professor Emeritus of Psychology at University of Maryland College Park, author of several disputed books on child development, and part owner of the Taco Bell franchise on Route 3 in Anne Arundel County, Maryland.

Early Life

Born the seventh son of a seventh son of the Adler Clan of lower Creosote County in Kentucky, young Prickly Thorn had many expectations placed on him at a young age. Kept largely isolated in the family's Wizarding Tent (a combination chapel and moonshine distillery), he was tasked with learning his family's rules and traditions so he could eventually serve as the spiritual leader of the clan.

Prickly Thorn escaped his family in July of 1948 when the Bureau of Inland Revenue raided the camp, destroying its stills and burgeoning salt mine. Later renamed Benjamin, he and several of his brothers and sisters were fostered to families through out the East Coast. Benjamin was sent to live with the Perkins family of Portland, Maine. According to the unpublished memoir of his foster father, Sgt. Dwayne 'Dolly' Perkins USMC, the teenaged Benjamin was a total twat.

Education

Benjamin Adler enrolled in the Upper Midwest Maine School of Medicine in 1955. No records of his time at the college exist as it was burned down in 1974 following loss of accreditation.

Career

Dr. Adler first began teaching at Frostberg State Community College as an Assistant Adjunct Temporary Professor/Janitor of Popular Psychology and Home Economics in 1964. Emboldened by that posting, Adler began to publish his theories in several popular magazines, including Psychology G'Day, Home Ham Radio Enthusiast, and the Friends of the Smithsonian Weekly. It was an article in the latter titled "Corn Whisky: Mother's Boon" that first attracted attention to Adler on the national stage. Asked to defend his assertions that large amounts of whisky could improve the development of a child, Adler appeared as a guest on the radio program Up Til Morn in 1968 with University of Maryland professor Herman Von Helmuth. Though Adler resoundingly lost the debate thanks to Helmuth bringing his own three year old child on the program drunk on whisky, he did forge a lasting friendship with the man.

Later, when Dr. Helmuth was briefly promoted to the head of the Psychology Department of University of Maryland, he hired Adler away from FSCC as the first of many seemingly insane actions.

While at UMCP, Adler flourished. Left largely alone and only required to teach Section E of an Introduction to Psychology course, he was able to increase his already prolific rate of publishing. His most notable books include:

Hate The Bunny (1970)

Wherein Adler suggests that a child's self-esteem could be enhanced by setting up rivalries with household objects, pets, and other easy to defeat rivals.

God is Fickle, So is Mom (1972)

Adler argues that since the universe is not constant with how it punishes or rewards behavior, neither should a parent.

A Rainy Day Activity Book for Boys (1973)

How to make paper airplanes, paper plate masks, and other wholesome crafts when outside play is not available.

Abandonment Makes The Child (1975)

Drawing on his own childhood experiences, Adler notes that when a child is abandoned, that event becomes a formative moment in their development. Thus parents should abandon their children often and sometimes for months on end in order to control those moments.

Another Rainy Day Activity Book for Boys (1978)

Banned in 49 states, this volume teaches children how to make nerve gas from common household cleaners, poison from kitchen spices, and firearms from childhood toys. After being banned due to its horrific content and rising body count, this book was later republished as The Anarchist's Rainy Day Cookbook.

Captain Porquan and the Space Queen's Cave (1985)

An erotic adventure.

Retirement and Later Career

Due to a shift in the theories behind child develop towards more nurturing environments, Benjamin Adler was asked to retire in 1988. After a lengthy legal battle, the details of which are not due to be released until 2018, he was allowed to keep his office and remain in occupancy in the dorm room that had been his home for over twenty years.

Published under the terms of the CC BY 3.0 license.